Irrational Fears

It's 4:41 am and I've been awake for 41 minutes.  I'm somewhere between nervous and scared to walk my children to school today.  That seems really dumb to me.  I knew from past experience that dislocating my knee last month would result in one more activity added to my list of "Do Not Participate"s.  I assumed that activity would be cross country skiing, since that's what we were attempting to do that day.  Instead I find it to be walking down hill.  If you know where I live, you know that being afraid/nervous to walk downhill creates a few issues with life- one of those being walking to school.

Just to be clear, I have still added cross country skiing to my list- just like downhill skiing has always been on the list and I've never even been to a ski resort.  No injury involving that sport, just common sense that sliding down a hill at possibly great speeds with skis to act as levers to create extra torque on certain joints wouldn't be very smart for me.  It's also pretty easy to avoid tether ball or gymnastics since you tend to reach a point where those activities drop out of your life anyway.  I'd still occasionally play around with soccer or basketball a little, but nothing remotely intense or competitive at all.  I've never been nervous about something that's so much a part of everyday life. 

I've taken a few walks up and down my street since February 21 and my knee does fine.  Until this week, I couldn't bring myself to walk down the hill to church.  I'd stand at the top and look down the hill and move on.  The stupid thing is I'd continue to walk up to the top of the hill on my street and then turn around and walk back down to my house.  That hill doesn't bother me as much.  Maybe it's not as steep, I don't know.  That's part of the "irrational".

I don't like being scared of something so minor, so my goal on Monday was to walk to my friend, Lisa's, house and back.  That would require me to go down the steepest part of the hill but not be too far in case it was too much for my knee.  I wasn't going to visit or anything, just walk to her driveway and back.  Lisa must have been inspired because she called and asked if I wanted to go for a walk that morning.  I explained my fear and hesitation and she said she'd be happy meet me at the top to walk down the hill with me.  What a good friend!  I made it to the hill before she did and decided to bite the bullet and just go down.  Know what?  It was totally fine.  I met Lisa part way down, my knee felt great at the bottom and we ended up walking a good mile or more that morning.  It felt fabulous!  Exercise is so good for me in a lot of ways and I'd really missed it.

In the excitement of my success that morning, I promised Steven and Ryan after school on Monday that we could walk to school Friday morning.  It's supposed to be in the 70's today, no snow/rain to worry about, and nothing I really have to be in a rush for so we can take our time if needed.  I do have physical therapy this morning, but that was part of the plan.  I could go get a good dose of ultra sound, electric stem, and ice if the walking really bothered me.  I'm sure it won't, though.  I walk all the time.  That's the rational side of my brain.  The irrational side is coming up with all sorts of other possible scenarios.  I'm ignoring it, or at least trying to.  Hopefully it will fade away in time.

It's only been 4 days and I know I've walked down that hill once, but I'm still nervous.  I guess it's like most situations involving trust- the trust has to be earned.  I do feel a little "betrayed" by my knee since I wasn't doing anything very unusual when the injury occurred.  I am slowly allowing myself to trust it again, but I think it will just take time and experience.  It is feeling and performing much better than it was and every day it gets better.  My brain just needs to let go a little.  Like with people, I need to give my knee a chance to "prove" it's "trustworthy".  I think that's almost the hardest part.  Too bad there's not some ultrasound or electric stem for that!  All I've got is determination and the freedom to choose and I refuse to let something like this rule my life.  So, off to the shower and to face my day head on.  That way I'm ready for the rest of my day (rational) or at least I'll be clean when the paramedics come to scrape me off the sidewalk (irrational).  Should be an interesting morning!

Update:  The walk went well.  Yea!  Downhill was a little more tiring on the non-existent quad muscles.  The all downhill and then all uphill was a little more strenuous than flat, but it wasn't too bad.  I think things always look better in the morning.  Thinking about things in the dark always makes a much bigger mountain out of them than it really needs to be.  One step closer to normalcy!

Room With a View and a Very Warm Welcome

Pack your bags! Have we got the weekend getaway destination for you! More fun and excitement than you'll know what to do with.

First, directions:

Drive up the hill to our street. Head south until you see this sign:

Ignore the Detour and drive right on by, as you aren't going all the way thru, just part way.

If you're coming between the hours of 7:00 am and 5:00pm, keep driving until you see this sign:

(There are actually 2 signs. I just didn't get out to take a picture until after 5:00, so they'd been moved off the road already.)

This time there will not be a "Detour" sign, but the road will now be officially closed. Ignore the sign and drive around it.

You're almost there when you see this on your left:

If you are coming after 5:00 pm and before 7:00 am, look for this sign and stay to your right:

Chances are, you won't be able to see much on your left because it will be dark most of those hours. The orange pylons are your friends. Follow them unless you want to extend your stay with a visit to the local hospital (it's very good, by the way) as well as drive either a new car or a badly damaged one home from your fun weekend. Optional towing services are available, but are not covered by this package.

Depending on the actual placement of the last 2 signs, you will most likely need to drive past a couple more houses to get to your destination. We'll try and move the company cars up as close as we can to the establishment so you can fit in the driveway because this sign is sitting right out front:

Don't ignore this sign. We haven't actually seen anyone towed, but they have come around asking if we know who owns vehicles left on the street. Also, there are several signs just like this on the street. Make sure you have the right sign in front of the right destination.

Once you are here, we have a nice comfy bed waiting for you:

It's nothing fancy, but it's warm inside and has a second bed hidden away underneath. That means you can bring a friend. This gets better by the minute! We'll do our best to make the company entertaining.


In case you're looking for a quiet, alone time, there are other activities that are sure to meet your every whim. Some of the decor has been provided by the natives- made by hand and everything:

(Good job, Steven! Not bad for a 6th grader, eh?!)

When you get tired of looking at the artwork, you may feel free to turn around and take in the view out your window:

If you hurry, there will still be snow to see as well. No guarantees after tonight, though. However, since it's after 5:00 on Friday, I can guarantee the large equipment until Monday morning at 7:00. It might even serve as your complimentary wake-up call if you choose to sleep in that late.

FYI, it's a much better view than yesterday. This bad boy was right across the street from your window until this very morning:


If you're feeling very adventurous, you can go explore the canyons that are just across the street:

Unfortunately, at this time, there are no tours or other activities allowed in the canyons. They are as deep as the long arm on the backhoe. We have mountains that are much taller than the canyons are deep just a little way beyond. As I mentioned, there may even be snow on the them to look at/enjoy in person if you hurry.

Once you're all tired out, you are welcome to return and take a luxurious nap lulled either awake or asleep by the gentle rattling motions created here:

The canyons are being created right before our very eyes. The head of that large backhoe crashes delightfully on top of those posts to drive them into the ground and create the walls of the natural wonder just outside your window. What an opportunity. It is not to be missed. (The only phenomenon we've found to be better was living in NH and they had to use dynamite when redoing the road outside of that house. Quite fun!) The canyons extend a good way south from here and are slowly working their way northwards. Their creation makes this delightful getaway pretty much inaccessible from the south, so make sure you come in from the north.

All of this can be yours for the very low (right!) price of the gas it takes to get here. Everything else is included at no extra charge to you. This is a first come/first served invitation, so don't delay. Operators are standing by.

Branching Out

It's getting to be that time of year- gardens are on my mind. In an effort to meet a few wants- mine to record what going on and yours to avoid being inundated with more gardening posts than you care about- I'm recording the adventures at growstoreeat.wordpress.com. Wordpress also serves the purpose of broadening my technical abilities- which I'm finding are lacking. So, check it out if you'd like, or don't, but I'll spare you the gory gardening details here. Happy planting!

Monday, Monday

I hadn't planned to post anything today. I mean, this is the third year in a row we've gone to Aspen Grove for President's Day. You can read about snowshoeing in 2009 here and cross country skiing in 2010 here. I mean, really, how many ways can you write about the same thing?

Lucky you, we found a way to mix it up a little bit.

The day started out like this:

We opted for cross country skiing again because everyone but me liked it better. It was a beautiful day. We got our skis without any trouble. The snow was out in abundance. They told us they had 2 feet of new snow just yesterday. We were enjoying the day on our way over to the trail head. That's pretty much all of the activity that I saw. You'll have to check out Erica's blog to see the rest, when she gets pictures posted.

My afternoon looked like this:

(You should pay attention to the clean room and floor. It makes me happy when it occasionally shows up!)

Those of you that knew me from 6-10 grades may realize that this was once a regular scene from my life. I dislocated my left knee cap 7 times in that 4 year span. The list of sports in which I dislocated my patella is also the list of sports I no longer participate in- gymnastics, dodge ball, soccer, tether ball, tennis, basketball, another one I can remember. I also generally avoid softball because I sprained my right knee when at bat once. I had surgery twice in an effort to keep all body parts where they belong. I've sprained my left knee twice since then, but no dislocations. Apparently, I'm trying to reconnect with my childhood because I dislocated my knee again after all these years. I am happy to report that the two surgeries have held up. This time it was my right leg instead of the left.

We were walking down the road to the trail head wearing our fancy non-tread ski shoes, carrying our skis and poles. Ryan was running behind Greg and me and I turned slightly to tell him to be careful and not slip in the ice when I wasn't careful and slipped on the ice. Nothing like being an excellent example of why we do what our parents ask us to do! My skiing was done and I never even got to put the skis on. Good thing, too. Can you imagine what might have happened with long slippery sticks involved in the fall?!

Greg and an employee helped me back to the dining hall. By then the shock and initial pain had worn off and I sent Greg out to have fun with the kids. I could sit on a chair at home or sit on a chair at Aspen Grove. Might as well let everyone else enjoy their day. After we got home, Greg drove me over to Urgent Care. I was pretty sure it was sprained and they'd just tell me to wear my brace and take it easy for a while. I wanted to know when I could walk on it and drive again or I'd have just stayed home.

Turns out to be dislocated, not sprained. The ligaments all felt tight to the doctor and the x-ray showed all the bones back in their correct spots. I have a new bendable knee brace to add to the collection (which we can't find!). I do have to take it easy, but not like I did when I was younger. Back then it was 6 weeks in a straight leg brace and then rehab to regain all my atrophied muscle- which I apparently didn't do very well since I kept repeating the injury. This time I wear the bendy brace all the time for 2 weeks then as I need it for a couple of months, move it a little more each day, get off the crutches as soon as it feels ok, and drive when it feels good enough. I like medical advances.

Right now, it's swollen, but feels pretty good here on the couch. Erica took over and made dinner- thank you! Greg is out getting ice cream, and we're going to have a nice quiet Family Home Evening. Oh, and I am happy to announce that skiing is officially on my list of sports that I no longer participate in even though it;s technically not a skiing accident. Next year, I'm just going to plan ahead before this activity. Greg and the kids can do their thing. I'm just taking a book and finding a comfy chair in the dining hall with a donut and some hot chocolate before I get hurt.

Sweet Heart

It's dance season again. Erica is off tonight at the Sweet Heart dance. No sweet heart for her, just a good friend- Ben. She wanted a red or pink dress and lucky her, we found a fantastic deal on the perfect dress at the first store. Some body upstairs must love her! She has the camera with the other pictures, so this will have to suffice for now.

Progression (on a Wordless Wednesday)

Training

I have a need to get up on my soap box today. Bear with me. If you are offended, it's not that I don't like you. I just feel a need to clarify my stand on this particular issue.

We had our annual Ward Conference at church on Sunday. Being the Bishop, Greg had the opportunity to speak during Sacrament Meeting. He gave a great talk and I enjoyed listening to him. After the meeting was over, a friend, who happened to be male, stopped me on the way to Sunday School and said, "You did a great job training him."

"Training who to do what?" I asked.

"Training your husband to give such good talks in church."

"No", I responded, "he's that good all on his own. In fact, he's taught me a good chunk of what I know about teaching and speaking in church."

My friend replied something to the effect of, "We all know that good men are only as good as they are because they've been trained by their wives."

While I appreciate what I think was meant to be a compliment, I have real issues with the prevailing attitude that women are some sort of unfallible being who consent to spend their existence on earth with hopeless men who should spend their every waking minute singing praises to the women in their lives for saving them from themselves. Why would I want to spend eternity with an "inferior" someone? Why would that someone want to spend eternity always feeling inferior? It doesn't sound very pleasant for either person.

Contrary to some popular beliefs, men are very capable people. Yes, most of them have mothers who love them and do their best to teach them while they are growing up. Once they leave home, though, they are on their own, or should be. When they are married, those skills are used to manage their own families. Yes, they then have a wife, who shares in the responsibility of raising a family and maintaining a marriage, but it's both parties working together that makes things work.

I met Greg after he'd served a two-year mission for the church on the other side of the country and been home for over a year. On his mission he was three time zones away from his mother. He did have a mission president's wife whom he loved and we still keep in contact with, but she did not get him up, manage his time, shop, cook, clean, budget, wash clothes, or choose outfits for him. He did all of those things on his own. Several of them all on one day a week- his Preparation Day. On top of basic living responsibilities, he made and kept teaching appointments, studied the gospel, knew and obeyed mission rules, served in any way he could, strengthened his relationship with his Heavenly Father, and added to the very solid foundation of his testimony. He came home giving good talks, so that was a skill he'd developed well before he even knew me.

After his mision, Greg came to BYU where we met. He lived in an apartment with 3 other guys. And, once again, he and his roommates cooked, cleaned, decorated, went to school, shopped, dated, worked, attended church, and all of the other things that people do to survive and have fun at school. I met him when he'd been home almost 18 months and we were married 18 months later. Was he perfect? No. Was I perfect? Heavens no. I didn't expect perfection, but neither was I looking for a "fixer-upper". I was looking for, and found, a capable person who loved the Lord, wanted to be a good husband and father, was willing to work hard, and loved me for who I was. He was my best friend well before we were married. He helped me to see how be a better me and I just plain liked being around him. I could see the kind of person he could become and I wanted to be part of that process. I know we have both played a role in shaping each other into the people we are today- not because he or I "trained" each other but because we loved and encouraged the good while helping to remove and replace the bad.

Now we've been married for nearly 2o years. That means I've known Greg now about the same amount of time than I didn't know him. Looking back, neither if us is the same person in many respects that we were when we got married. We have tried, experimented, cheered each other on, talked, cried, failed, succeeded, learned, and tried again TOGETHER on so many different things that there isn't room enough in my available computer memory to list them all. Our kids have managed to survive us so far and the working together has strengthened the team that we are.

Do we do everything the same way? No. On the really important things we are very united and the same. We both love our family and God, have similar views on the raising children, the importance of education, budgeting money, etc. On others, not so much. Do I shop, cook, and clean house "better" than he does? Maybe. I certainly do those things more often and am thus more familiar and maybe more efficient than he is. However, he steps in just fine when I am gone or not feeling well. Being more removed from those situations sometimes allows him to see more clearly a way things could be done better. Do I provide for our family better than he does? No. Could I? Maybe, but I couldn't be as good a mom if I also had to be the dad at the same time. That's where the team work comes in. There are so many "jobs" that need to be done in a family that it's nearly impossible for one person to do them all. Ask any single parent. There are things that just have to go when there aren't two of you. Heaven knows there are enough things that have to go when there ARE two of you. Neither of you will be as good as the other at everything. I shop and make dinner a little more efficiently. So what. Throw me into a molecular biology lab or a teaching room at the library and see how "efficient" and "productive" I am all of a sudden. It's not that I can't do those things. It's not that Greg can't do what I do. It's that we work together to meet the needs of our family by taking on different responsibilities and hoping our combined efforts cover everything.

With time, experience, and communication we've even become better and more efficient at helping and supporting each other in our different responsibilities. We learn skills the other has, what it takes to keep everything ticking, then help it to get done. Greg has bent over backwards in this department. In fact, most of the time I feel like he picks up more of my slack than I pick up of his. The best part is, I just still plain like being around him and he's still helping me to be a better me.

So, it all comes down to this. I need him and he needs me. Neither of us can get to the Celestial kingdom without the other. I learn from him every day. I'm grateful that he has skills and abilities where I don't and vice versa. We compliment and learn from each other creating better halves of a more and more complete whole. Maybe it's training after all. We're just working out together under the watchful eye of the same Coach.