Irrational Fears

It's 4:41 am and I've been awake for 41 minutes.  I'm somewhere between nervous and scared to walk my children to school today.  That seems really dumb to me.  I knew from past experience that dislocating my knee last month would result in one more activity added to my list of "Do Not Participate"s.  I assumed that activity would be cross country skiing, since that's what we were attempting to do that day.  Instead I find it to be walking down hill.  If you know where I live, you know that being afraid/nervous to walk downhill creates a few issues with life- one of those being walking to school.

Just to be clear, I have still added cross country skiing to my list- just like downhill skiing has always been on the list and I've never even been to a ski resort.  No injury involving that sport, just common sense that sliding down a hill at possibly great speeds with skis to act as levers to create extra torque on certain joints wouldn't be very smart for me.  It's also pretty easy to avoid tether ball or gymnastics since you tend to reach a point where those activities drop out of your life anyway.  I'd still occasionally play around with soccer or basketball a little, but nothing remotely intense or competitive at all.  I've never been nervous about something that's so much a part of everyday life. 

I've taken a few walks up and down my street since February 21 and my knee does fine.  Until this week, I couldn't bring myself to walk down the hill to church.  I'd stand at the top and look down the hill and move on.  The stupid thing is I'd continue to walk up to the top of the hill on my street and then turn around and walk back down to my house.  That hill doesn't bother me as much.  Maybe it's not as steep, I don't know.  That's part of the "irrational".

I don't like being scared of something so minor, so my goal on Monday was to walk to my friend, Lisa's, house and back.  That would require me to go down the steepest part of the hill but not be too far in case it was too much for my knee.  I wasn't going to visit or anything, just walk to her driveway and back.  Lisa must have been inspired because she called and asked if I wanted to go for a walk that morning.  I explained my fear and hesitation and she said she'd be happy meet me at the top to walk down the hill with me.  What a good friend!  I made it to the hill before she did and decided to bite the bullet and just go down.  Know what?  It was totally fine.  I met Lisa part way down, my knee felt great at the bottom and we ended up walking a good mile or more that morning.  It felt fabulous!  Exercise is so good for me in a lot of ways and I'd really missed it.

In the excitement of my success that morning, I promised Steven and Ryan after school on Monday that we could walk to school Friday morning.  It's supposed to be in the 70's today, no snow/rain to worry about, and nothing I really have to be in a rush for so we can take our time if needed.  I do have physical therapy this morning, but that was part of the plan.  I could go get a good dose of ultra sound, electric stem, and ice if the walking really bothered me.  I'm sure it won't, though.  I walk all the time.  That's the rational side of my brain.  The irrational side is coming up with all sorts of other possible scenarios.  I'm ignoring it, or at least trying to.  Hopefully it will fade away in time.

It's only been 4 days and I know I've walked down that hill once, but I'm still nervous.  I guess it's like most situations involving trust- the trust has to be earned.  I do feel a little "betrayed" by my knee since I wasn't doing anything very unusual when the injury occurred.  I am slowly allowing myself to trust it again, but I think it will just take time and experience.  It is feeling and performing much better than it was and every day it gets better.  My brain just needs to let go a little.  Like with people, I need to give my knee a chance to "prove" it's "trustworthy".  I think that's almost the hardest part.  Too bad there's not some ultrasound or electric stem for that!  All I've got is determination and the freedom to choose and I refuse to let something like this rule my life.  So, off to the shower and to face my day head on.  That way I'm ready for the rest of my day (rational) or at least I'll be clean when the paramedics come to scrape me off the sidewalk (irrational).  Should be an interesting morning!

Update:  The walk went well.  Yea!  Downhill was a little more tiring on the non-existent quad muscles.  The all downhill and then all uphill was a little more strenuous than flat, but it wasn't too bad.  I think things always look better in the morning.  Thinking about things in the dark always makes a much bigger mountain out of them than it really needs to be.  One step closer to normalcy!

Monday, Monday

I hadn't planned to post anything today. I mean, this is the third year in a row we've gone to Aspen Grove for President's Day. You can read about snowshoeing in 2009 here and cross country skiing in 2010 here. I mean, really, how many ways can you write about the same thing?

Lucky you, we found a way to mix it up a little bit.

The day started out like this:

We opted for cross country skiing again because everyone but me liked it better. It was a beautiful day. We got our skis without any trouble. The snow was out in abundance. They told us they had 2 feet of new snow just yesterday. We were enjoying the day on our way over to the trail head. That's pretty much all of the activity that I saw. You'll have to check out Erica's blog to see the rest, when she gets pictures posted.

My afternoon looked like this:

(You should pay attention to the clean room and floor. It makes me happy when it occasionally shows up!)

Those of you that knew me from 6-10 grades may realize that this was once a regular scene from my life. I dislocated my left knee cap 7 times in that 4 year span. The list of sports in which I dislocated my patella is also the list of sports I no longer participate in- gymnastics, dodge ball, soccer, tether ball, tennis, basketball, another one I can remember. I also generally avoid softball because I sprained my right knee when at bat once. I had surgery twice in an effort to keep all body parts where they belong. I've sprained my left knee twice since then, but no dislocations. Apparently, I'm trying to reconnect with my childhood because I dislocated my knee again after all these years. I am happy to report that the two surgeries have held up. This time it was my right leg instead of the left.

We were walking down the road to the trail head wearing our fancy non-tread ski shoes, carrying our skis and poles. Ryan was running behind Greg and me and I turned slightly to tell him to be careful and not slip in the ice when I wasn't careful and slipped on the ice. Nothing like being an excellent example of why we do what our parents ask us to do! My skiing was done and I never even got to put the skis on. Good thing, too. Can you imagine what might have happened with long slippery sticks involved in the fall?!

Greg and an employee helped me back to the dining hall. By then the shock and initial pain had worn off and I sent Greg out to have fun with the kids. I could sit on a chair at home or sit on a chair at Aspen Grove. Might as well let everyone else enjoy their day. After we got home, Greg drove me over to Urgent Care. I was pretty sure it was sprained and they'd just tell me to wear my brace and take it easy for a while. I wanted to know when I could walk on it and drive again or I'd have just stayed home.

Turns out to be dislocated, not sprained. The ligaments all felt tight to the doctor and the x-ray showed all the bones back in their correct spots. I have a new bendable knee brace to add to the collection (which we can't find!). I do have to take it easy, but not like I did when I was younger. Back then it was 6 weeks in a straight leg brace and then rehab to regain all my atrophied muscle- which I apparently didn't do very well since I kept repeating the injury. This time I wear the bendy brace all the time for 2 weeks then as I need it for a couple of months, move it a little more each day, get off the crutches as soon as it feels ok, and drive when it feels good enough. I like medical advances.

Right now, it's swollen, but feels pretty good here on the couch. Erica took over and made dinner- thank you! Greg is out getting ice cream, and we're going to have a nice quiet Family Home Evening. Oh, and I am happy to announce that skiing is officially on my list of sports that I no longer participate in even though it;s technically not a skiing accident. Next year, I'm just going to plan ahead before this activity. Greg and the kids can do their thing. I'm just taking a book and finding a comfy chair in the dining hall with a donut and some hot chocolate before I get hurt.

Hero Of My Day

The chemical you are currently viewing is my hero of the day. It is fluticasone proprionate. It stops runny noses, sneezing, itching, and watery eyes and is saving my sanity, the cartilage and skin at the end of my shnoz (is that really how you spell it?), and the soft palate at the back of my throat. Pretty amazing for one little chemical compound, don't you think! Just one beautiful, uneventful breath after another. The person(s) who came up with this lovely combination deserves a plate of cookies, a bunch of polleny flowers (just for symbolism), a Nobel prize (for the newly refound peace in my life!) and the $1,000,000 that comes with it. He/she/they certainly have my vote. Twice if I can swing it.

Motivation

Kathleen asked what my motivations are for healthy eating and the new found, mysterious, jogging desire. I do have a few disclaimers. 1) You are not here to witness my whole day and are not privy to my regular eating habits since I typically don't share them. Aren't blogs supposed to make one look good? Yes, I do try to eat healthy, but I also ate 8 chocolate chip cookies on Thursday afternoon -not counting the dough because that wasn't really a cookie yet and doesn't count towards my intake. 2) I am working to exercise more, but our last move has currently placed me in the midst of a "perfect storm" of circumstances. Some were already there, I just wasn't taking advantage of them for various reasons. Most of them fall under the "motivations" category, so I'll list them. They are not in any particular order.

1) I want my children to arrive safely at school and home. Every time I think about just waving them out the door every morning I hear a story about some nutcase who tries to pick up a child or two while they are walking home from school alone. We also had that lovely experience with the door-to-door sales man a couple of weeks ago. Yes, even here in "Happy Valley" we have our share of kooks.

2) 1 mile each way to school, up hill both ways!- Ok, not really, but we do live way up on the mountain. It is very much downhill all the way to school and very much up hill all the way home. I can guarantee that it is better than a stair stepper or tread mill anyday, having used both at various times in my previous life. And since Motivation #1 is a huge one to me, I am there walking almost every day. Some days we drive, but it is the rare exception. Curch happens to be half way between between our house and school, so we try to walk there as much as we can as well. Given their choice, the kids would drive all the time. Not going to happen as long as afterschool activities consist of books and computer time. Soccer a couple of times a week is a start, but not enough if there's anything I can do about it.

3) There are no buses for anyone at the elementary school. Our school happens to have all the students live within walking distance, so the only options to get my children to school are to walk or drive. We live about as far as you can and still be in the school boundaries. There is another school at the other end of our street, but it would be at least as far, if not a bit farther and doesn't have as much shade on the way home. See Motivation #4 for the reason we don't drive.

4) $4.00 gasoline- I know it's dropped down here now to about $3.70, but I'm trying to stay in the exercising habit. In fact, in the first 3 months we lived here, I only put 1500 miles on the car including several trips to Salt Lake and a couple of drives up the canyon. That is a major improvement over mileage in, say, New Hampshire!

5) High Cholesterol- Runs in my family and I am very prone. Exercise seems to work better for me at keeping it down than just watching my diet. I happen to like living and have no desire to cut my turn on earth short due to heart/vascular problems. I also would prefer to not have to take medication, so that leaves me exercise.

6) Knees- I've had bad knees since elementary school. As a result, I can pretty much count on getting shiny new metal ones at some point in my life. I saw videos of that particular surgery in college and am in no rush to experience it! Exercise does a couple of things- keeps the joints healthy and lubricated and the muscles strong to prevent more damage. If and when the blessed event occurs, the stronger my legs are at the time, the faster the recovery will be. I'm also hoping that the longer I can put off the surgery the longer science has to come up with some plan that won't require it. Keep those fingers crossed!

7) It's not hot here! I really hate being hot. I'm getting over it in relation to working out, but doing anything but swim outside in AZ is just not even remotely appealing. It was on the warm side when school started here- usually upper 90's when school got out. There were some days when it was near 100 and I just drove. I don't like being that hot, so I won't make the kids walk home that hot, either. Now it's in the upper 70's/low 80's in the afternoon and it's been in the 40's and 50's in the morning. I still get warmer than I'd like walking in the afternoon, but it's bearable. The mornings are perfect. I love them. Yes, I plan to walk as often as we can in the winter, but we'll see how it goes. I planned to give birth to my first child without an epidural. I wasn't in labor very long when I discovered how foolish that thought was and changed my mind. Winter here may be the same kind of experience, though I walked every day in college and survived. We'll see.

8) I can feel new muscle. There's something very encouraging about success. It also helps that the numbers on the scale have dropped by a few and since I know that I have new found muscle I know that I'm most likely losing inches as well. It's very motivating to feel any progress and it makes me want to do more.

9) I have changed my diet enough that food really high in fat make me sick to my stomach now. For example, I really can't stand the thought of ribs. Even those yummy chocolate chip cookies last week made me feel somewhat sick. It's been a pretty good motivator to at least attempt to eat better.

10) Exercise and healthy eating helps keep the headaches away. If I have a headache coming on and can get in a walk, or some other form of exercise, and some thing to eat with a healthy source of protein, most of the time I can get rid of it. Sleep plays a big role, too. I could definitely be better in that department.

That's going to be it for now. Now, I'm off to get in my car and drive to the store to buy the ingredients for Family Home Evening dessert (Cream Soda and sweetened condensed milk. Throw it in the ice cream maker and it makes a yummy slush). So, when it comes to exercise and healthy eating, do what I say and not what I do!